Quotes S-Z

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Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. - Innocents Abroad
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The romance of boating is gone, now. In Hannibal the steamboatman is no longer a god. The youth don't talk river slang any more. Their pride is apparently railways -- which they take a peculiar vanity in reducing to initials ("C B & Q") -- an affectation which prevails all over the west. They roll these initials as a sweet morsel under the tongue. - Notebook #20, reprinted in Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Vol. II.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land (and work) again after a cheerful, careless voyage. - Letter to Will Bowen (prior to sailing on Quaker City)
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as "Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few-few-are they that enter in thereat" has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don't brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

To lead a life of undiscovered sin! That is true joy! - 1900 Speech

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.-  1881
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. - Innocents Abroad

Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven & hell & I have only a vague curiosity about one of those.- Letter to W. D. Howells, 20 May 1891
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.

We are all alike, on the inside.

We have the best government that money can buy.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

When in doubt tell the truth.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.